Accurate (and Inaccurate) Expression
We’ve all been there: You’ve had a long day, you’re exhausted, and your partner does something that just tips you right over the edge—maybe they tease you gently about something that actually really hurts, maybe they leave a wet towel on the floor right after you did the laundry. Whatever it is, it makes your blood boil, but instead of saying anything, you grit your teeth and try to keep going as normal. You hold it in and get increasingly frustrated as you interact with your partner. This is inaccurate expression.
Inaccurate expression is DBT jargon for when you don’t effectively describe how you’re feeling. Inaccurate expression can encompass a really wide range of behaviors: lying about how you’re doing, saying you’re “fine” when you’re not, or showing that you’re upset through your behavior (e.g., storming around the house, closing doors and cabinets unusually forcefully).
In contrast, “accurate expression” is clearly describing/sharing your emotional experience. For example, if you’re having an awful morning, this could look like saying to your partner, “ugh, things keep piling up this morning and I’m feeling really beaten down and frustrated. I feel like I just can’t catch a break.” It’s sharing your emotional experience in a descriptive (non-judgmental, no interpretations), balanced way.
Accurate expression is essential in relationships for two reasons:
Validation: We know from the transactional model that it’s very hard to get validation without accurate expression (and we all need validation!). Accurate expression tells the other person what is going on with you so that they can show understanding and convey the ways in which your experience is understandable and important. Without accurate expression, the other person is likely not to know what’s going with you and/or to be confused about your experience in ways that ultimately lead to invalidation (or at the very least, a lack of validation.
Connection: Accurate expression is also key for feeling connected to other people. Think about a time when someone you cared about shared their experience with you (especially a difficult or painful experience). How did you feel when they shared that? Often, accurate expression leads to feeling closer and more connected. Of course, we want to be careful that the accurate expression is balanced, appropriate to the relationship, and with someone we trust to respond with support. But, under the right circumstances, accurate expression is absolutely essential to building connection.
But shouldn’t my loved one know what I’m feeling without me having to tell them? Sure, we all want to be understood and to have our needs met without having to speak up. It’s so nice when someone can just tell what we’re feeling or what we need. And, people can’t always tell on their own — as much as we want them to be, people are not mind readers. It’s really common to think that if someone really cared, they would just know what we’re feeling… and that’s a myth. No matter how hard someone cares, they still can’t read our minds. Really sensitive people find this especially hard. Being sensitive means you are really tuned into emotions — your own and other people’s. This means you can be incredibly perceptive about what others are feeling. This can lead to thoughts like, “I can tell what they’re feeling, why can’t they tell what I’m feeling?” Or, “they never have to tell me what they need…” The trouble is, most people are not as sensitive, meaning that they are not as tuned into or perceptive about others emotions.
It’s totally fair to want other people to know what you’re feeling before you have to say anything… but if you insist that others “should” know what you’re feeling, you’ll find yourself suffering alone, getting invalidated, and feeling misunderstood a lot — and you won’t get your needs met. In this kind of situation, we often say you can insist on being “right” (they “should” know) or you can be effective (i.e., get your needs met) — ask your self which you’d rather. If you want to be understood and get your needs met, the best way to do that is to use accurate emotional expression and be clear and direct.
A caveat for parents: In DBT Parenting, when we talk about accurate expression, we’re typically focused on kids doing the accurate expression and parents offering the validation. This is because parent-child relationships are not equal relationships (in contrast with peer or romantic relationships, for example). In general, parents do more of the validating (providing support) and kids do more of the accurate expression (seeking support). However, there are times where a certain amount of thoughtful, balanced accurate expression is appropriate from parents to kids (e.g., in explaining why you’re not available for an activity – “Sweets, I’d love to watch that show with you, but I’m feeling overwhelmed with work right now and I want to be fully present with you when we watch. Can you give me about an hour to wrap this up and then we’ll watch?”). The trick is in ensuring that you are not asking your child to manage your emotions for you and that you’re not sharing any emotions with them that are not appropriate for them to be in the loop on (e.g., intense anger at your partner).
To practice, try using accurate expression with someone you trust to respond with validation.