Emotion Dysregulation: When Your Emotions Get the Best of You

Emotion dysregulation is what we call it when your emotions get the best of you (i.e., your emotions are in the driver's seat). It happens to all of us from time to time. 

Let's take an example: Say you're going along throughout your day, maybe a little tired, a little overwhelmed, but you're generally doing okay. You’re getting the things done and getting along with family, coworkers, etc. But then, something happens that really throws you for a loop. Let's say, you get an angry email from a colleague at work who's been bothering you for a long time. Let's say this particular person often tries to pass work off to you, and now they've sent you a rude email blaming you for something that you both know was their responsibility... and they copied your boss. You get back to your desk after a meeting and see the email. How do you feel? What happens in your body? 

For most of us, we'll probably feel some combination of irritated, angry, hurt, and/or frustrated. Once you identify how you would feel, ask yourself what you would want to do. Do you go right to a coworker's office to vent? Do you step outside for a walk? Do you push it away and jump right back into your work? 

For some people, their blood might be boiling, but they'll be able to go about the rest of the day more or less as they need to. They can feel the distress under the surface, but they're able to keep a lid on it enough to get through the day. Once they get in the car to go home, they might then feel really overwhelmed by the emotion. 

For others, the emotion overtakes them right away. They might need to go home early to avoid yelling at the email-sender. Or, they might go right into the sender's office (or their boss's) and say things they'll later regret. This is dysregulation.

The second scenario is dysregulated because in this scenario, the person’s emotions have gotten the best of them and either kept them from doing what they needed to do, or led them to do something that ultimately made their situation worse in the long-term (e.g., yelling at the email-sender). Other examples of urges that might come up in moments of dysregulation include self-harm, substance use, quitting the job, and throwing things. The key point is that dysregulated emotions have become reactive in ways that ultimately cause problems.

Alan Fruzzetti often uses an analogy to a headache to explain the idea of dysregulation. When you have a headache, you can usually "take it with you." It's annoying, painful, and unpleasant, but most headaches don't stop you from going about your day, interfere with your life, or generally cause you to make things worse. These headaches -- the ones that don't cause long-term problems -- are regulated. They’re painful, but manageable. But anyone who has had a migraine knows that some headaches can absolutely keep you from going about your day, acting in line with your goals, and doing what you need to do. These headaches - the ones that are difficult to manage and interfere with your daily functioning - are dysregualted. 

Chronic and severe emotion dysregualtion is the primary target of DBT. Borderline personality disorder is a disorder of emotion dysregulation (though, of course,  there are many forms of emotion dysregulation outside of borderline). Chronic and severe emotion dysregulation results from a combination of a biological vulnerability to big emotions (think: a very high level of emotional sensitivity) and a lack of sufficient skills and supports to effectively manage those emotions. The DBT model is built around the idea that if we give people the skills and supports they need to manage their sensitive emotions, they’ll be better able to manage them. 

Remember, everyone gets dysregulated from time to time. It's totally normal. Our focus in DBT is on helping clients reduce the frequency and severity of episodes of dysregulation.  

Ask yourself: What kinds of stressors most reliably lead your emotions to get the best of you? What does it feel like in your body when you get dysregulated? What does it look like when you are dysregulated?