Emotional Validation: A Practical Guide to Validating Yourself and Others
Think about a time when you were really activated about something and somebody told you to “calm down” or said something like, “it’s not that big of a deal” or, “it’s going to be fine, don’t worry.” This feedback is typically intended to be helpful, but actually makes most people feel worse (i.e., the painful emotion goes up instead of down). This is invalidation.
The reason that invalidation makes us feel worse is that it communicates (directly or indirectly) that our experience doesn’t make sense, isn’t understandable, or isn’t important. That leads us to feel isolated and a little crazy. Nobody wants to feel like their reaction is “wrong.” When we get invalidated, or when we don’t get validated enough, we tend to feel ostracized, lonely, misunderstood, and hurt.
On the other hand, validation is when you convey that the person’s experience is important, understandable, makes sense, and/or is legitimate. In other words, validation is acknowledgment of the person’s experience.
Validation reduces negative emotion and reactivity; helps people regulate and build confidence in their own experiences; increases positive emotion; and builds connection. By validating more, you can help your child regulate and learn new skills and improve your own emotion regulation. It’s worth emphasizing that validation specifically helps to prevent negative emotions about your emotions. In other words, validation helps prevent against painful secondary emotions.
Let’s pause a moment for common concerns and questions:
But the world isn’t a validating place?! This is true. And it makes it all the more important that we each have at least one really validating and supportive person in our lives. Think about if you have a really frustrating experience at work. It can make a huge difference in your ability to tolerate the situation and handle it effectively if you have a colleague who gets it. Having even one supportive, validating adult in a child’s life can make a huge difference for emotional wellbeing.
Isn’t the whole point of DBT to learn skills for managing your own emotions? Yes and no. We are absolutely focused on building skills to manage emotions. And, it’s not an either/or. Receiving validation and support helps clients manage their emotions enough that they are more able to learn, apply, and internalize new skills. More validation makes for more skill building, not less. While it’s possible to use skills to manage incredibly challenging situations, it’s preferable and more effective to have support as well. For more on how validation supports emotion regulation and why invalidation makes regulation harder, see our post on the transactional model.
Aren’t we enabling ineffective or unjustified emotions if we validate them? This one is a no. Validation is not agreement or approval. In fact, efforts to support behavior change (e.g., feedback on problematic behaviors, holding important limits) are likely to go way better when paired with validation. See below for more on this.
So, hopefully I’ve convinced you that validation is essential for everyone, and especially for people who are highly emotionally sensitive. Let’s move on to some key tips to keep in mind when validating:
Only validate the valid. Validation is incredibly important. But, we don’t validate invalid things. How do you tell the difference? A good guideline is to remember that all emotions are valid, but the associated thoughts and actions may not be. For example, if I feel hurt and angry, there is some way for us to understand those emotions. I get to feel that way. However, if I kick someone because I am hurt and angry, the action of kicking is not valid.
We can validate emotional experiences with validating associated behaviors. It’s incredibly important not to validate invalid things. That said, all emotions are valid. This means all emotions are understandable in some way – whether it’s based on the current situation, or the person’s history and context.
There is always something to validate. We call this the “kernel of truth.” You may have to take out your magnifying glass and squint your eyes, but there is always a way to understand any person’s experience. When in doubt, go for an emotion, because, as noted above, all emotions are valid.
All emotions are valid, but not necessarily justified. People often confuse whether an emotion is valid with whether it is justified.
All emotions are valid: All emotions make sense and are understandable and important.
All emotions are not necessarily justified: An emotion is justified when the emotion, its intensity, and its duration fit the facts of the situation.
We can validate an emotion (e.g., “it makes sense that you feel hurt”) without saying the emotion is justified (e.g., “that was hurtful). Of course, it’s easiest to validate when the emotion is justified, but there are plenty of ways to validate either way (see below for more on how to validate).
The first step is to reduce invalidation. When someone comes to you expressing a painful experience, it’s a natural human urge to offer a solution. The trouble is, this is actually invalidating (and just generally frustrating) if you’re just trying to express your experience and get some support. Before you work on validating, spend some time noticing and reducing any invalidating responses. This can include giving feedback and/or problem solving, as well as saying something that is overtly invalidating (e.g., “don’t worry about it,” when the person has expressed feeling worried). A quick watch (<2 min) that really illustrates the importance of validation over problem-solving: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
So, how do you validate?
There are many ways to validate. In DBT, we have six “levels” of validation (plus a bonus 7th level that we sometimes add in). Generally, the lower levels are more straight forward and safer bets. The higher levels of validation are higher risk/higher reward. We generally encourage parents to start by practicing levels one through three when you’re new to validation.
Listen actively – give the person your full attention and show signs that you are listening (nod, make eye contact, etc).
Reflect back – say back (in your own words) what you heard the person say. Check that your understanding is accurate.
Read between the lines – listen for what isn’t being said, put the puzzle pieces together.
Make sense based on the person’s specific characteristics and history – express why the person’s experience makes sense based on what you know about them (think: diagnoses, history, experiences, preferences, biology, background, etc.)
Normalize – convey how the person’s reaction makes sense based on the present circumstances (i.e., that anyone would feel that way in this situation)
Be genuine – share your own experience, don’t fragilize the other person
Functional validation – meet the person’s need with action vs. words
Validation is subjective: It’s important to validate in a way that fits the situation and the person’s experience. However, validation is subjective. That means that what is validating for one person in one situation, may not be for another person in the same situation or the same person in a different situation. When validating, be curious, cautious, and open to feedback if you get it wrong. There is no “right” way to validate. Read the room, take your best shot, make mistakes, and repair when needed.
Self-Validation:
We all want and need to get validation from others. As noted above, validating others and being validated by others is key in relationships. But, we all get invalidated from time to time. And there isn’t always a supportive person around to make you feel validated. This is why it’s so important to be able to validate yourself. Additionally, when you’ve been exposed to a lot of invalidation in your life, you’re likely to begin to pick up some of that invalidating behavior yourself. The result is self-invalidation, when you question, criticize, or otherwise judge your own emotions and experiences. For example, if I grow up being told that I overreact, it’s likely that I will eventually start to judge myself and tell myself that I’m overreacting. Just like invalidation from others, this self-invalidation has the effect of making our painful emotions go up instead of down. In its most severe form, self-validation can include intense self-judgment, criticism, and blame.
So, self-validation is key for reducing the impact of self-invalidation and for managing when we get invalidation (or simply don’t get enough validation) from others.
There are many ways of practicing self-validation:
Notice self-invalidation. For example, notice instances of telling yourself that you shouldn’t feel the way you do, that your emotions don’t make sense, that you’re “overreacting,” or being “dramatic.” Before you can start really validating yourself, you need to notice (and ideally cut down on) the self-invalidation. Don’t judge yourself for self-invalidating, just gently notice and label it.
Get descriptive. Once you notice self-invalidation, see if you can redirect from the judgments to describing your experience. For example, instead of “I’m overreacting,” you could reframe to, “I’m feeling hurt at a 10/10 and I’m not sure that fits facts.” If this is too hard, you can always get a little bit of distance by labeling a self-invalidating thought as a thought (e.g., “I’m having the thought that I’m overreacting.”)
Practice mindfulness of your own experience. Pay attention to your thoughts and emotions without judgments or interpretations. Just by paying attention to your own experience, you send yourself a message that your experience is important enough to pay attention to. Consider doing a short body scan, a guided mindfulness practice, or taking 30 seconds to check in with yourself.
Practice self-expression. Journal or make art to express and acknowledge your own experience.
Self-care. Take time for yourself or take care of yourself in ways you don’t always make time for. Get a manicure, go for a long walk, take a bubble bath, get a massage, play pickleball, get a haircut. Send yourself the message that you are important and your experience is important.
Practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would treat someone else. Write yourself a letter from the perspective of the kindest, most supportive person you know. Ask yourself what you would say to a small child in the same position.
Listen to a song, read a poem, or reflect on a quote that really captures your experience. Sometimes, it’s too much to ask to validate yourself and nobody else is available to give you the validation you really need. And sometimes, others might be available, but you’re not up for talking. In these moments, the right song, poem, or quote can really help you feel seen and less alone.
Practice: Practice validating someone else, notice and redirect from self-invalidation, or identify some kind of media/art that is validating for you (e.g., a song, meme, quote, poem, reel, painting, cartoon).