Keeping Your Cool When Your Teen Loses Theirs: Why Managing Your Own Emotions May be One of the Most Important Ways You Can Support Your Child
You know the joke that says that 99% of accidents are caused by the other driver? Well…relationships are the same way. Arguments are almost always the other person’s fault! Kidding… But it’s true that in a heated moment, if either person can keep their cool (i.e., stay regulated), it is far less likely that things will go truly off the rails. This is the number one reason that it’s so important for parents and clients to manage their own emotions. We all get dysregulated from time to time, and it’s actually extremely difficult to stay regulated when someone around you is really dysregulated (trust me, I know, I have a toddler).
If you’re not sold yet, here are some other reasons to really prioritize your own emotion management:
Parents are people too (seriously!)
It’s crucial for your relationship with your child
It’s crucial for your own burnout and ability to support your child – I’m sure you’ve heard the oxygen mask metaphor. If you don’t put on your own oxygen mask, you are very unlikely to be able meet your child’s needs in a sustainable way
It’s important modeling – your child will learn at least as much from what you do as from what you say. If you tell them to use skills and say you support their DBT work, but you don’t use any skills yourself, they will be acutely aware of that
It creates important opportunities for natural learning – taking care of yourself will likely mean you are less available to your child from time to time. Those moments are crucial for adolescents and young adults who are working on developing more independence. If you don’t provide those opportunities now, your child will miss out on key learning and you will both regret it later.
So, how do you manage your emotions?
Step 1: Empty your emotional cup (AKA emotion regulation)
Imagine you walk around with a cup and all day, emotions get added to the cup. You spill your coffee? A little emotion goes in the cup. Your child yells at you? Emotion in the cup. You don’t get enough sleep? Emotion in the cup. Hungry? Emotion in the cup.
If you don’t ever do things that empty the emotion out, the cup will overflow (and if the cup is really full, even the tiniest thing can make it overflow).
Here are some ways to empty your cup:
Take care of your physical needs (i.e., leverage lifestyle factors; the DBT jargon for these is “PLEASE skills”, but I’m not a fan of the PLEASE acronym – it’s really confusing):
Get enough (but not too much) sleep: Know your own sleep needs and be diligent about meeting them as much as possible
Nutrition: Balance your eating, don’t skip meals, keep snacks on hand
Exercise: Psychologists like to say the best form of exercise is whichever you’ll do
Get out into nature
Take any prescribed medications
Avoid/limit mood altering substances
Take care of personal hygiene
Engage in spiritual/religious practices if that’s part of your life
Connect with other people: your community, social supports, even strangers you encounter at the gym or coffee shop
Identify and name your emotions (especially primary emotions): emotion identification is emotion management
Accumulate positives: This is DBT jargon for do more of what you love to do. Ask yourself what fills you up, gives you energy, makes you feel at peace, or gives you a “flow” experience. Even small joys “count” here. I recommend having a list of small/short-term positives (e.g., taking a five minute walk, petting the dog) and a list of “bigger”/longer-term positives (e.g., doing something in line with your life worth living goals). Sorry, but checking things off your to-do list does not count as a positive
Build mastery: Work on developing a new skill or doing something moderately difficult (e.g., learning a new language or instrument). This is less about joy and more about personal development and a feeling of accomplishment
If you’re stuck on emptying your cup, ask yourself what you would do if you had 1-2 hours to do whatever you wanted but it couldn’t be “productive” or fulfill any kind of obligation. What would you do just because you want to?
Regularly emptying your cup means you’ll be less likely to be dysregulated when your child is dysregulated and day-to-day frustrations will be less likely to push you over the proverbial edge.
Step 2: Know what to do in a crisis
Even with a relatively empty cup, we can all get dysregulated in a crisis. So, we have a different set of skills for getting through a crisis without making things worse. In addition to emptying your cup, it’s crucial to know what to do when the fecal material hits the rotating oscillator and to practice before the crisis moment actually comes so you’re not using the skills for the first time in the heat of the moment.
Here are some ways to get through a tough moment (especially one in which your child is dysregulated) without making things worse:
Identify and look out for your own warning signs (prompting events, thoughts, feelings, action urges that alert you to the fact that your emotions may be rising)
Use the STOP skill: When you notice your warning signs,
Stop - physically pause
Take a step back - remove yourself from the situation (physically or mentally)
Observe - your own experience. What are your thoughts, feelings, urges?
Proceed mindfully
Take a “mini vacation”: If helpful, remove yourself from the situation for a brief period.
Orient first: When stepping away from someone who is dysregulated, make sure you let them know why you’re going, where you’re going, and when you’ll be back (e.g., “I’m noticing my own emotions are rising and I don’t want to say anything I don’t mean. I need to take a break to use my own skills and maybe call for coaching. I’ll be outside for a few, but I’ll be so happy to continue this discussion at TIME.”)
If you don’t orient, the other person is likely to feel abandoned and may escalate further or even follow you
Let go of judgments. Use the describe (just the facts, things you can verify with your senses) and non-judgment skills instead.
Use relationship mindfulness: remind yourself that this is someone you love, even when they’re driving you crazy. Look at pictures of your child that remind you of how much you love them.
Stay in the present. Avoid recounting negative events from the past or forecasting what will happen in the future. What is the other person doing right now. The past is not happening right now. The future is not happening right now.
Notice safety. Ask yourself if there is an imminent life-threatening situation right this second. Usually there is not. If there isn’t, take time to notice that you/your child are safe and pay attention to cues of safety. Avoid “what ifs.”
Self-soothe with your senses. Look at photos that bring you joy, light a scented candle, pet your dog/cat, listen to a calming playlist.
Take some time to yourself and engage in some mindful distraction. Go for a walk, throw yourself into work, watch a TV show, make dinner, run an errand, play with your dog, listen to music, do a crossword, take a shower. Make sure to stay one mindful while you distract. If you go for a walk, but think about how angry you are the whole time, it’s unlikely to help. You have to put your attention on the distraction.
Change your body chemistry with TIPP.
Temperature: Do an ice dive, put an ice pack on your face, or take a cold or hot shower.
Intense Exercise: Go for a walk/run, run stairs, do a round of burpees, go for a bike ride, go to the gym.
Paired muscle relaxation: Slowly tense and release the muscles throughout your body. Notice the relaxation that comes from releasing the tension.
Paced Breathing: Slow your breathing, do square breathing, or find a guided breathing online. Slowing your breathing is more helpful than breathing deeply when you’re activated.
Get support from someone who “gets it.” Do not call someone who doesn’t get it or is likely to offer problem solving when that’s not what you’re looking for. Reach out to someone you can count on to be supportive.
Once you’ve picked out a few options to try, remember to practice at least a couple of times when emotions aren’t super high, so that you’re like a well oiled machine when the moment strikes.