How To Get What You Want From Other People, According to DBT
DEAR MAN is probably the DBT skill that most often leads people to ask why it’s not taught to everyone in school. I tend to agree with this sentiment. DEAR MAN is just a helpful template for asking for what you need in a way that maximizes the likelihood that the other person will be receptive. Of course, even the most effectively delivered DEAR MAN can still get a “no” in response. Part of delivering a DEAR MAN is doing your best to ask effectively and accepting that you can’t control the outcome.
So what is a DEAR MAN and how do you do it?
Prepare: Before you start planning your DEAR MAN, make sure you have clearly identified your priority goal (i.e., what you want) and that it’s effective to ask for it right now (e.g., is it within the other person’s current capabilities to give you what you’re asking for? Is this really your top priority right now?) If you’re not sure, consider using the Dime Game to assess further (see below and attached for more on the Dime Game).
Pro tip: DEAR MAN is a great tool for delivering a limit you have already identified.
DEAR MAN has two parts:
Part 1: DEAR = What to say
Describe: Describe the facts of the situation that lead to your ask. Avoid including any interpretations or getting into your feelings about the situation (feelings come next). The goal here is to get on the same page about the basic facts of the situation. If you can’t agree on the facts, you’ll get stuck quickly.
Hey, yesterday, when you asked to go to Chick-fil-a after program and I said “not today,” you raised your voice and swore at me.
Express: After getting on the same page about the facts, share your experience (emotions, preferences, etc.). The goal here is to help the other person understand why you’re asking for what you’re asking for. Remember, the other person can’t read your mind and might not appreciate why this is a big deal to you unless you tell them clearly. It’s easy to get stuck on the idea that it’s obvious or the other person “should” know…and they might not.
I felt pretty overwhelmed and hurt. I really don’t like to be sweared at.
Assert/Ask: Decide whether to ask or assert based on the situation. Be crystal clear about what you want.
I totally understand being disappointed (especially when you’re hungry and tired from a long day), and please don’t yell or swear at me.
Reinforce: Let the other person know what they get for giving you what you’re asking for (e.g., increased harmony, a better relationship with you, more willingness to do what they want in the future).
When you yell and swear at me after I say no, it makes me less likely to say yes the next time you ask. But, if you are able to be more understanding and flexible when I say “not today,” I will try to offer a time when I can take you and be more open to saying “yes” in the future.
Part 2: MAN = How to say it
(Stay) Mindful = Stay focused on your goal. Do not let the other person throw you off course or distract you. If you bring up them yelling and swearing, and they start talking about how you took their sibling to Chick-fil-a the day before, or a time when you yelled at them in the past, keep your eyes on the prize and do not get sucked into the distraction. Use the “broken record” (say your “assert” over and over until they get it) as needed.
“I’d be happy to talk about that later, but right now I’m talking about when you yell at me.” … “I get that, and right now I’m focused on what you said yesterday.” … “Hold on, right now, I’m asking you not to swear at me.”
Appear confident = Practice in advance (I love to rehearse a challenging DEAR MAN in the car or with a coworker/friend before delivering it). Role play, role play, role play. Try having someone else play the part of the other person and be as challenging and distracting as they can (we do this in groups a lot – it’s fun, as well as good practice). Breathe, and act like you’re confident in what you’re saying, even if you’re not. Especially with teens, if you’re wishy washy, they’ll walk all over you.
Negotiate = Be prepared to negotiate if necessary. Have a compromise in your back pocket/be open to one. BUT, don’t offer to negotiate or compromise prematurely; wait to see if you need it).
Are there things I can do when I say “no” that would help you respond differently?
I’d be open to planning out a time when I can take you.
Practice: Try preparing, practicing, and delivering a DEAR MAN.