How to Get Your Child to Respect Your Limits
Often, when we want others (and especially our kids) to change, we try to control them. We make threats, ground them, nag them, yell at them, and take things away… Unfortunately, controlling others (especially teens and young adults, who are wired to be pushing for independence) 1) doesn’t work so well (i.e., isn’t very effective at getting them to do what we want), 2) tends to damage relationships, and 3) typically leads to suppression of the behavior (e.g., hiding it, lying about it, stopping it only while you are present and then resuming it when you leave), rather than true, lasting behavioral change.
So, what’s a parent to do? Enter: limits.
A limit refers to what is and is not personally acceptable to you. For example, I am not okay with my three-year-old daughter leaving small toys (choking hazards) out in the playroom, where her 7-month-old brother (who puts everything in his mouth,) also plays.
There are a number of benefits to setting and observing clear limits:
Clear limits tell others what is (and is not) okay with you in relationships
Limits allow you to work on change without resorting to efforts to control others
Limits protect you and your needs
Limits protect the long-term health of your relationships
Consistent limits provide a sense of security, because they ensure that everyone knows what to expect
In parenting, clear limits provide a sense of safety and security to kids who are exploring their own independence, without being ready to be fully responsible for themselves
In setting a limit, you communicate clearly to the other person how you will respond if they do not follow your limit. For example, if you leave small toys out in the playroom, I will take them and put them away and you won’t be able to have them in the playroom anymore.
In observing a limit, you follow through on holding the contingency you identified previously. To continue with the playroom example, if my daughter leaves the toys out, I put them away. I don’t threaten, I don’t yell. I just take the toys and put them away, letting her know (calmly) why I’m doing that.
Note: Everybody has limits. Whether you are clear with others about them or not, certain things simply are okay with you, and other things are not. The advantage of setting limits clearly is that you increase the likelihood that others will follow your limits, which is good for you and good for your relationships.
Respecting and following other people's limits is also an important skill in relationships. So observing your limits with your kids is helpful not just to your relationships with them, but also helps them build an important skill that will serve them throughout their lives.
A note on limits vs. boundaries: In DBT, we focus on limits over “boundaries.” Typically, when someone sets a “boundary,” they’re asking the other person to change their behavior (i.e., trying to control the other person; see above for why this isn’t the most effective strategy). In contrast, limits focus on your own behavior. Each person is responsible for setting and observing their own limits. You cannot expect other people to observe your limits (or get mad at them if they don’t) if you don’t tell them clearly what your limits are and follow through on observing them. If you are frustrated with your child for not respecting and following your limits, ask yourself, whether you have been clear about the limit and diligent about observing it.
An example of a boundary might be asking a friend not to share with you when they are suicidal and asking them to go to their therapist instead. This is such a reasonable ask! But, it focuses on changing the other person’s behavior.
Setting a limit around the same behavior might look like letting your friend know you’re not comfortable supporting them with their suicidality, and letting them know that if they call you when they’re suicidal, you will ask them to call their therapist and will call their parents/emergency services if they’re not willing to call their therapist. The difference is in focusing on what you will do, rather than trying to control what they will do.
Flexing limits: Another difference between limits and boundaries is that boundaries are typically static whereas limits can be flexible. So, when do you flex your limits? The simplest answer is that it is okay and can often be helpful to flex a limit when both you and your child are in wise mind. It is generally not a good idea to flex a limit in response to dysregulation. If you notice the urge to flex a limit, pause and ask yourself if you or your child are dysregulated, or if you're trying to prevent your child from becoming dysregulated. If the answer to either question is yes, proceed with extreme caution.
How to set a limit, step-by-step:
Identify your limit. As Marsha Linehan said, it is extremely difficult to know your limits until they have been crossed. Use your mindfulness skills to notice when someone has crossed your limit. Examples of experiences that might indicate a limit has been crossed include: dread at interacting with the other person, anger/frustration at the other person, feeling overwhelmed in the relationship, or the thought, "oh no, not again.”
Prioritize ruthlessly. You cannot target every behavior or limit at once. Generally, we recommend prioritizing limits that are truly relevant to safety. After safety, you can usually target one or maybe two behaviors for change at a time. Before setting a limit, ask yourself if it is really the most important target right now. If the answer is no, consider holding off.
Define the limit for yourself. What is the unacceptable behavior? How will you respond if the other person crosses the limit? The template for setting a limit is, "If you do X, I will do Y.”
Communicate your limit clearly and in advance. It is often helpful to use a DEAR MAN to deliver the limit (more on this next week!).
Own your limit. Don't say it's for them. Limits are yours.
Accept that sometimes your child will experience pain as a result of your limits. Unless you were going to go with your child to college and into their own apartment when they're 30, experiencing some pain from parents setting limits is a natural (and helpful) part of life. Remember, as parents we do a lot of things that are painful but important for our children (e.g., vaccines/medical care, diaper changes, putting them in car seats).
Avoid getting sucked into a negotiation. Often, when you deliver a DEAR MAN, being willing to negotiate is a part of the skill. However, personal limits are generally not up for debate. Be a broken record as needed. After delivering the limit, try not to get into a prolonged discussion. Provide the limit, in writing if necessary, and then take some space.
Follow through on the limit.
“Make your word as good as Gold.” -Cara Dumapalin
See above for more details on when to flex a limit.
Practice: To practice, identify a limit you would like to set with your child. Please do not proceed with delivering it to your child unless you have a chance to review it with a clinician first.