How to Resolve MAJOR (and Minor) Disagreements: Collaborative Problem Solving

Collaborative problem solving is a skill for resolving conflicts and disagreements. In DBT, we have a bias towards collaborative methods of resolving problems because 1) people are more likely to follow through on solutions they have an active part in choosing, and 2) it’s better for relationships. When collaborative approaches don’t work, we always have the option of moving towards more unilateral solutions, such as setting and observing limits. But, all things being equal, it’s preferable to try for a collaborative solution first. 

Fun fact: collaborative problem solving is an entire evidence-based intervention, all on its own. In DBT, we use collaborative problem solving as a key strategy for conflict resolution in families (as well as groups, with clients and clinicians, and basically anyone). 

Let’s say you’re struggling with mornings with your teen (because what teen parent isn’t struggling with mornings…?) You prompt them to wake them up several times, they don’t get up until the very last minute. You offer to make them breakfast. They take so long to get ready and are running so late, that you are then 30 minutes late for work. AND they’re stressed and irritable, so they yell at you, calling you names/using expletives and telling you to stop bothering them… the situation is untenable for everyone and is burning you out and straining your relationship. Enter, collaborative problem solving! 

Step 1: Manage your emotions. Do not approach the other person unless you are in wise mind. A good litmus test for assessing if you’re ready to approach the other person is if you’re able to validate your own experience (e.g., “it makes sense that I’m frustrated because I’m working so hard to help them be on time and have a smooth morning and they’re yelling at me and making me late for work”) and the other person’s experience (e.g., “it makes sense that mornings are really hard for them because school starts really early and teen bodies aren’t biologically meant for that, and because being late stresses everyone out”). If you’re not regulated and able to stay regulated while discussing a challenging topic, it’s not the right time for collaborative problem solving. When in doubt, save collaborative problem solving for family therapy so you can have some support in helping everyone to stay regulated. 

Step 2: Check that the other person is regulated. Read the room. Ask the other person if it’s a good time to talk. Even better, schedule a time that works for everyone in advance.

Step 3: Define the problem. Once you sit down with the other person, define the problem. Be brief and descriptive. Focus on the problem, WITHOUT getting into any possible solutions. Start with something positive (e.g., how much you are about the other person, the relationship) and validate their experience to set a collaborative tone. For example: Mornings lately have been challenging. You’ve been late for school, I’ve been late for work, and I’ve found it stressful. 

Step 4: Identify your top priority goal. Prioritize ruthlessly. You can only have ONE top priority goal in collaborative problem solving. You and the other person will each bring a goal, so if either one of you has more than one, it will become impossible to meet everyone’s needs at once. Choose the SINGLE most important thing. For example, your top priority goal might be not being late for work. Note, there’s no right answer here. You get to decide what’s most important to you. 

Step 5: Have the other person share their top priority goal. Make sure you understand what the goal is and why it’s important to them. Reflect it back and ask them if your understanding is correct. Don’t proceed until you’re on the same page. If you can’t agree on the problem and the goals, you will not be able to problem solve. The other person’s goal might be to sleep as long as possible or to have you give them fewer prompts. Don’t assume you know what it is. Let them tell you. 

Step 6: Work together to brainstorm solutions. Don’t evaluate solutions. Brainstorming means generating all possible solutions, without evaluating them as you go. Creativity is key to effective brainstorming. Remember to stay focused on the goals and avoid getting attached to particular solutions. This is the most common mistake that gets in the way of collaborative problem solving – one or both people get stuck on their solutions, those solutions don’t work for the other person, and suddenly you’re polarized and unable to resolve the problem.

Step 7: Pick a solution to try. Remember that the other person is more likely to buy in the solution if they are involved in choosing it. Commit to trying the solution. Make a plan for following up. 

Step 8: Follow up and evaluate the effectiveness of the solution. Did the solution work? Collaborate to problem solve barriers or go back to the drawing board (i.e., pick a new solution to try), as needed. 

TLDR; Collaborative problem solving is about letting go of your favorite solution, prioritizing ruthlessly (you can only have ONE top priority goal at a time) and working together to find a solution that meets everyone’s needs. See below for more. 

Practice: Take a shot at collaborative problem solving (family therapy is an excellent venue for this), or plan out how you might approach collaborative problem solving with your child or someone else. Alternatively, choose one step in the process to practice.