Improving Relationships With DBT: GIVE and FAST

In DBT, we teach three main interpersonal effectiveness skills. Interpersonal effectiveness skills are skills for improving your relationships, particularly when big emotions might make things tricky. 

The three main interpersonal effectiveness skills correspond to the three main goals of interpersonal effectiveness: 

Goal 1: Getting what you want (“objectives effectiveness”) 

Goal 2: Maintaining the relationship (i.e., taking care of how the other person feels about you; “relationship effectiveness”) 

Goal 3: Maintaining your self-respect (i.e., taking care of how you feel about yourself; “self-respect effectiveness”) 

Typically, in any given situation, all three of these goals apply – you want to get what you want, have the other person feel good about you and your relationship, and feel good about yourself… and we need to prioritize. While all goals may be in play, only one can be most important at any given moment. So, before you set out to use any of the interpersonal effectiveness skills, it can be helpful to think about which goal is most important, which is second most important, and which is third most important to you in the specific moment and situation. 

You can think of prioritizing your interpersonal effectiveness goals as a bit like juggling: you need to keep all the balls in the air… and only one ball can be on top at a time. 

Each goal comes with a corresponding skill: 

A couple of weeks ago, we covered DEAR MAN, which is the skill for Goal 1: Getting what you want. GIVE is the skill for Goal 2: Maintaining the relationship. FAST is the skill for Goal 3: Maintaining your self-respect. 

Goal 1: Getting what you want → DEAR MAN 

Goal 2: Maintaining the relationship → GIVE

Goal 3: Maintaining your self-respect → FAST

GIVE: Skills for maintaining relationships and helping the other person to feel good about your interaction. 

(Be) Gentle: Don’t be harsh or demanding. Don’t attack or threaten. Soften your language when needed. Manage your judgments and emotions. 

(Act) Interested: Listen to the other person, give them your full attention, and show interest in what they have to say (even if you’re not actually that interested). If you want someone to listen to you and take your experience seriously, you have to listen to them, too.  

Validate: This of course, is the number one relationship skill in DBT. We all need and want to feel heard, understood, and taken seriously. Make sure the other person knows you appreciate their perspective (even if you don’t agree with it). Remember, there is always something (i.e., an emotion) to validate…and don’t validate the invalid. 

(Use an) Easy Manner: Be careful of applying too much pressure. Often being more casual, bringing some humor, and being open to some push back will increase the likelihood of a positive response. 

Of course, by taking care of the relationship, you often also increase the odds of getting what you want and feeling good about yourself. 

FAST: Skills for maintaining your self-respect and making sure you stand up for yourself 

(Be) Fair: Be fair to yourself and to the other person. Acknowledge the truth in your experience, as well as theirs. 

(No over) Apologizing: Some versions of this skill say no apologies at all and some say no over-apologizing. I tend to think one apology for something that hurt the other person is okay and can be helpful. BUT, no more than one. And definitely no apologizing for things that you didn’t do, aren’t valid, or for asking for/doing things that are within your rights to do. 

Stick to your values: Don’t “sell out,” “stick to your guns” Notice and surf urges to prioritize what the other person wants or needs over what you believe and value.  

(Be) Truthful: Don’t lie, don’t validate the invalid. Call a spade a spade. Call it like it is, even (especially) when it’s hard.  

Of course, the skills are overlapping, and you will have the best likelihood of success if you balance them all effectively (thus, the juggling metaphor) and apply them flexibly, depending on the situation. 

We often talk about balancing GIVE and FAST with each other, in particular. You might think of them as being on opposite ends of a seesaw. Many people find they naturally tend towards “too much” GIVE or “too much” FAST. The goal is balance. For example, if you lean too heavy on FAST, you’re likely to come off as harsh and demanding and are not so likely to get what you want. If you lean too heavy on GIVE, you might come off as a pushover and get taken advantage of or just simply not get your needs met. It’s all about context and balance. To increase your own mindfulness, it can be helpful to reflect on which (GIVE or FAST) is naturally harder for you in your relationships.