How (and Why) to Stop Criticizing Yourself with Self-Validation

Social support is a human need. Validation is a big part of that. We all need to feel connected to others and like our experiences make sense and are understandable and important. When we get invalidated, or when we don’t get validated enough, we tend to feel ostracized, lonely, misunderstood, and hurt. 

We all want and need to get validation from others. Validating others and being validated by others is key in relationships. But, we all get invalidated from time to time. And there isn’t always a supportive person around to make you feel validated. This is why it’s so important to be able to validate yourself. Additionally, when you’ve been exposed to a lot of invalidation in your life, you’re likely to begin to pick up some of that invalidating behavior yourself. The result is self-invalidation, when you question, criticize, or otherwise judge your own emotions and experiences. For example, if I grow up being told that I overreact, it’s likely that I will eventually start to judge myself and tell myself that I’m overreacting. Just like invalidation from others, this self-invalidation has the effect of making our painful emotions go up instead of down. In its most severe form, self-validation can include intense self-judgment, criticism, and blame. 

So, self-invalidation is key for reducing the impact of self-invalidation and for managing when we get invalidation (or simply don’t get enough validation) from others. But, how do you do it? 

There are many ways of practicing self-validation:

1. Notice self-invalidation. For example, notice instances of telling yourself that you shouldn’t feel the way you do, that your emotions don’t make sense, that you’re “overreacting,” or being “dramatic.” Before you can start really validating yourself, you need to notice (and ideally cut down on) the self-invalidation. Don’t judge yourself for self-invalidating, just gently notice and label it. 

2. Get descriptive. Once you notice self-invalidation, see if you can redirect from the judgments to describing your experience. For example, instead of “I’m overreacting,” you could reframe to, “I’m feeling hurt at a 10/10 and I’m not sure that fits facts.” If this is too hard, you can always get a little bit of distance by labeling a self-invalidating thought as a thought (e.g., “I’m having the thought that I’m overreacting.”) 

3. Practice mindfulness of your own experience. Pay attention to your thoughts and emotions without judgments or interpretations. Just by paying attention to your own experience, you send yourself a message that your experience is important enough to pay attention to. Consider doing a short body scan, a guided mindfulness practice, or taking 30 seconds to check in with yourself. 

4. Practice self-expression. Journal or make art to express and acknowledge your own experience. 

5. Self-care. Take time for yourself or take care of yourself in ways you don’t always make time for. Get a manicure, go for a long walk, take a bubble bath, get a massage, play pickleball, get a haircut. Send yourself the message that you are important and your experience is important. 

6. Practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would treat someone else. Write yourself a letter from the perspective of the kindest, most supportive person you know. Ask yourself what you would say to a small child in the same position. 

7. Listen to a song, read a poem, or reflect on a quote that really captures your experience. Sometimes, it’s too much to ask to validate yourself and nobody else is available to give you the validation you really need. And sometimes, others might be available, but you’re not up for talking. In these moments, the right song, poem, or quote can really help you feel seen and less alone.