Why 'Don't Worry About It' Is the Worst Thing You Can Say to Someone You Love
Validation is THE number one skill for parents/family members of folks with emotion dysregulation and a TOP skill in DBT in general. Why do we care SO much about validation in DBT? Great question! So glad you asked.
Think about a time when you were really activated about something and somebody told you to “calm down” or said something like, “it’s not that big of a deal” or, “it’s going to be fine, don’t worry.” This feedback is typically intended to be helpful, but actually makes most people feel worse (i.e., the painful emotion goes up instead of down). This is invalidation.
The reason that invalidation makes us feel worse is that it communicates (directly or indirectly) that our experience doesn’t make sense, isn’t understandable, or isn’t important. That leads us to feel isolated and a little crazy. Nobody wants to feel like their reaction is “wrong.”
On the other hand, validation is when you convey that the person’s experience is important, understandable, makes sense, and/or is legitimate.
Validation helps us regulate (i.e., de-escalate emotions), builds connection, reduces conflict, increases accurate expression, and helps us develop confidence in our own experiences.
There are many ways to validate:
Listen actively – give the person your full attention and show signs that you are listening (nod, make eye contact, etc).
Reflect back – say back (in your own words) what you heard the person say. Check that your understanding is accurate.
Read between the lines – listen for what isn’t being said, put the puzzle pieces together.
Make sense based on the person’s specific characteristics and history – express why the person’s experience makes sense based on what you know about them (think: diagnoses, history, experiences, preferences, biology, background, etc.)
Normalize – convey how the person’s reaction makes sense based on the present circumstances (i.e., that anyone would feel that way in this situation)
Be genuine – share your own experience, don’t fragilize the other person
Functional validation – meet the person’s need with action vs. words
(Pro tip: higher “levels” are higher risk/higher reward. When in doubt, go with “lower” levels of validation–they’re safer).
What to validate: when in doubt, go for an emotion.
Key Tips:
Validation is NOT: approval, agreement, liking.
Only validate the valid (i.e., we don’t validate the invalid)
There’s always something to validate (look for the “kernel of truth”, however small) – if you're stuck, ask yourself what caused the person’s experience
Validation is subjective. There is no “right” way to validate. Read the room, take your best shot, make mistakes, and repair when needed.
A quick watch (<2 min) that illustrates the importance of validation over problem-solving: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
Practice: Practice validating someone else or notice an opportunity when you could have been more validating. Consider what a more validating response would have looked like.