How to Get Other People to Change: Behaviorism 101
The “B” in “DBT” stands for “behavioral” – as in behavioral therapy or behaviorism. Behaviorism is also known as “learning theory” because it’s all about how people (and all animals!) learn and acquire new behaviors. In DBT, behaviorism is the scientific framework we use for helping folks to change in the ways that are important to them (i.e., in line with their goals).
Behaviorism is essential for parents to understand if you want to get your kids (or your partner, or even yourself) to change their behavior. Unfortunately, most behavior change strategies that really work do not come naturally. And, many of our natural instincts on how to get people to change their behavior (think: hounding people incessantly, punishments/threats of punishments) don’t work very well and can actually make people less likely to listen to us. Behaviorism gives us effective strategies (with decades of empirical support) for changing behaivor–whether it’s our own behavior or someone else’s.
So, what is behaviorism? Behaviorism is quite complex and technical and a full answer could constitute an entire college course or even an advanced degree… let’s focus on some headlines and key takeaways.
Behaviorism 101 (Please feel free to skip ahead to the key takeaways below if you’re less interested in the nitty gritty):
Reinforcement is anything that increases the frequency of a target behavior.
Example: If I praise my daughter when she cleans up her toys, she’s more likely to clean up her toys again. The praise is the reinforcer and cleaning up her toys is the target behavior).
Punishment is anything that decreases the frequency of a target behavior.
Example: If I take away my daughter’s barbies for a day when she leaves them all over the floor of my room, she’s less likely to leave them there again. Taking away the toys is the punishment and leaving them all over the floor of my room is the target behavior.
People often (i.e., pretty much always) get confused by the language of “positive” and “negative” reinforcement/punishment.
In the context of behaviorism, “positive” refers to adding something and “negative” refers to taking something away. This is different from the colloquial (judgmental) meaning of these words (i.e., “good” vs. “bad”).
Putting it all together:
Positive reinforcement (most commonly used in DBT) = adding something to increase the frequency of a behavior.
This is your classic reward.
Negative reinforcement = removing something to increase the frequency of a behavior.
Generally, negative reinforcement produces relief.
For example, leaving a building to get away from a fire alarm or buckling your seat belt to get the chime sound to stop are examples of negative reinforcement. Compulsive and addictive behaviors are driven largely by negative reinforcement (i.e., relief from compulsive urges or cravings, respectively).
Positive punishment = adding an aversive consequence to reduce the frequency of a behavior.
Getting a speeding ticket or a detention are examples of positive punishment.
Negative punishment = taking something away (e.g., a privilege) to reduce the frequency of a behavior.
This is the most common type of “consequence” we see parents use.
For example, putting on screen time restrictions after 10pm because your child was up all night the night before on their phone is an example of a negative punishment (taking away screen time/phone access to reduce the behavior of staying up all night).
Some Key Takeaways From Behaviorism:
Increasing behavior > decreasing behavior: Reinforcement is more effective than punishment. This is because it’s more effective to get someone to do something than it is to get them not to do something. Additionally, punishment often leads to hiding the behavior (e.g., lying, doing it in secret, temporarily stopping it) rather than to lasting behavior change.
For example, if I tell my three year old to stop getting out of bed at night (i.e., what I don’t want her to do), it’s less likely to be effective than if I tell her to stay in bed (i.e., what I do want her to do).
If you want to get your child to stop doing something, ask yourself what you want them to do instead. In behaviorism, we call this the positive opposite. Staying in bed is the positive opposite of not getting out of bed. Using distress tolerance skills is the positive opposite of stopping self-harm. Again, “positive” here is not a judgment. It’s not about whether the behavior is “good” or “bad.” It’s about asking them for what you want them to do, vs. focusing on what you don’t want them to do.
Prioritize: You can’t change lots of behaviors at once. When you’re trying to change behavior (whether your own or someone else’s), pick one or maybe two behaviors to focus on. This means you have to prioritize really carefully.
Shaping: Progress is usually gradual. It’s crucial to notice and enthusiastically reinforce small steps towards progress. There are many cliches (and fables) to choose from on this one: Rome wasn’t built in a day, don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good, the tortoise and the hare… Behaviorism backs them up! Dismissing small steps towards progress is probably one of the most common barriers to change.
“Natural” learning: When possible, it’s better to let people learn from the natural consequences and reinforcers in the world than to impose arbitrary ones. For example, if your child forgets their assignments repeatedly, it’s best to let them experience the consequences with their teachers, rather than jump in and try to protect them from the consequences (e.g., by convincing the teacher to do something differently). Similarly, if you do need to impose a consequence, it’s better to choose one that’s relevant to the behavior (e.g., if you don’t put away your laundry in a timely fashion, I won’t do your laundry for you next week and you’ll need to do it yourself) over one that’s random/arbitrary (e.g., if you don’t put your laundry away, you don’t get your allowance). In this example, taking away allowance is “arbitrary” because it’s not inherently related to the behavior of putting away laundry. However, arbitrary consequences can absolutely work and have their place, too.
Understanding is better than judging/blaming: All behaviors are caused (even if we can’t identify the cause, the fact that they are happening means there was a cause). Because all behaviors are caused, we can understand them if we identify some of the causes. In general, it’s far more effective to understand and address the causes of a behavior than to judge/blame the person for the behavior. To understand the causes of a behavior, begin by asking what might be helpful about the behavior or how the person learned to do that behavior.