What To Do When You Hurt Someone You Care About
If you’re in a relationship (any type of relationship) that never has conflict, you probably haven’t been in the relationship very long – or else it’s probably not a very deep relationship. Long-term, close connections have difficulties. It’s unavoidable. Additionally, emotion dysregulation increases the odds that we will hurt each other – we all say things we don’t really mean when we’re dysregulated.
Being able to address and recover from difficulties in relationships is an essential life skill. In DBT, we call this “repairing” the relationship. Despite the fact that it’s such a critical skill, most fully functioning adults have never learned how to make a genuine and effective repair. And it doesn’t come easily or naturally to most people.
So what is a “repair”?
“Repairing” is DBT jargon for apologizing. So why don’t we just call it apologizing? Because it’s not just apologizing.
Repairing = apologizing + correcting the harm
In DBT, we’re all about behavior change. So, we don’t want to just apologize and cross our fingers and hope everything will be okay. When we apologize, it’s important that we also correct the harm we caused and share a plan for how we will keep the same thing from happening again. Talk is cheap. I can say I’m sorry 100 times, but if I keep doing the same thing over and over, it’s not going to help my relationship.
Let’s take an example: If I forgot my best friend’s birthday, it’s great to say, “I’m sorry”, but to truly “repair” the relationship and the harm, I need to do more.
First, I need to correct the harm. I could wish my friend a happy belated birthday as soon as I realize and maybe get her a gift or take her out to dinner.
Next, I need a plan for what I’ll do differently. For example, I could set a recurring annual reminder on my phone that goes off the week before and the day of her birthday. This way, I can be confident that next year I won’t forget.
See the difference? If I say I’m sorry I missed your birthday, but don’t actually do anything about it, it seems a little thin. When you make a repair, you put your money where your mouth is.
Let’s break it down. Making a repair, step-by-step:
Describe (for yourself) what you did that crossed your values and/or hurt the other person - be honest with yourself. Don’t sugarcoat it. Don’t judge.
Identify and manage your emotions (often shame/guilt).
Remember: Shame and guilt are not bad or dangerous (though they often feel that way). If you’re experiencing justified shame and guilt, lean in.
If you’re experiencing excessive or unhelpful shame/guilt, consider checking the facts. Remember, doing something that crosses your values ≠ being a “bad” person.
Notice and surf urges to defend yourself or to be right over effective.
Remember impact does not equal intention (i.e., the fact that I did not mean to hurt the other person does not mean that I did not hurt them).
Identify what happened: Complete a chain or missing links analysis to figure out what led to the harm.
Identify what you will do differently to correct/over-correct the harm AND to prevent a recurrence.
Share with the other person.
Acknowledge their experience (validate)
Apologize without qualifiers (“I’m sorry,” NOT, “I’m sorry you felt that way”)
Share your plan for correcting the harm and preventing a recurrence
Notice and surf urges to over-apologize. One genuine and non-defensive apology is typically enough! Over-apologizing is often more for us (helps us manage our guilt) than it is for the other person (makes them feel like they now need to take care of you). Use the STOP skill as needed.
Remember, repairing is difficult. We can often get stuck in the dialectical dilemma of over-apologizing on the one hand, or failing to apologize, on the other. Over-apologizing can include judging yourself and experiencing too much shame (doesn’t fit the facts, isn’t helpful). Failing to apologize can include fake apologizing, judging the other person, reactive anger, or other ways of avoiding guilt/shame.
Over-apologizing ←→ Failing to apologize
The synthesis is in repairing genuinely and effectively when you do something that crosses your values or hurts the other person… and then moving on. This generally requires experiencing and connecting with justified guilt/shame, while acting opposite to unjustified/excessive guilt/shame (which can otherwise dysregulate us and keep us from acting effectively).
To practice, take at least one step (from the list above) toward repairing a relationship.