When Behaviorism Goes Wrong (AKA: Coercive Family Process)
Today, we’re addressing “coercive family processes” (except, I hate that term, so I prefer to think of it as “when behaviorism goes awry”) and what to do about it.
So what happens when behaviorism goes awry?
The classic example is the parent who takes their young child grocery shopping. The child asks the parent to buy candy in the checkout line. The parent says no. The child (genuinely disappointed and upset), begins to cry and yell. After enough crying and yelling, the parent, feeling overwhelmed trying to checkout and embarrassed by all the people turning to look, gives in and buys the candy. Not only did the child get the candy, but they’re more likely to dysregulate in the same situation in the future and the parent is more likely to give in next time, too.
So, what happened here? And why is it so hard to get out of this kind of sticky pattern? Let’s break it down.
Your child wants something you initially say no to/set a limit around.
Your child dysregulates (e.g., becomes visibly distressed, cries, yells, throws things, or otherwise tantrums)
You (the parent) become distressed. As your child’s dysregulation increases, the parent becomes more and more distressed.
Ultimately, the parent gives in. This reinforces the child’s dysregulated behaviors.
The child stops the dysregulated behaviors.
The parent feels relief. This reinforces the parent’s “giving in” behavior
This kind of process is very common in families, particularly when there’s chronic dysregulation (and can happen with anyone, not just parents and kids). So what are you supposed to do when you find yourself reinforcing your child’s dysregulation and being reinforced by relief from the dysregulation?
The solution is called putting a behavior on “extinction.” We extinguish a behavior when we stop reinforcing the behavior after it was previously reinforced. In the example above, this would mean that the parent stops buying the candy when grocery shopping. Sounds simple, right? Well, there’s a catch…
When you stop reinforcing a behavior that was previously reinforced, you will often see a sharp increase in that behavior before it ultimately drops off. That increase is called an “extinction burst” (see below).
The reason extinction bursts occur is because when a behavior that previously “worked” stops working, any rational person will try again and try harder before giving up. It’s adaptive to increase your effort before determining the behavior is no longer effective. Only after trying as hard as you can do you then, ultimately give up and determine that that behavior no longer has that effect. If you can ride out the extinction burst, you can extinguish (i.e., discontinue) the behavior (though you may see an occasional small resurgence, known as “spontaneous recovery,” in which the person takes another stab at a behavior that used to work for them).
The most important thing to know about extinction bursts is that you should not try to extinguish a behavior unless you’re prepared to ride out a sharp, time-limited increase in the behavior. To continue with the grocery store example, you should not tell your child you’re done buying the candy unless you’re prepared to withstand the biggest tantrum yet.
The worst thing you can do (from a reinforcement perspective) is to give in during the extinction burst. Here’s what that looks like:
You tell your child you’re done buying the candy.
In the checkout aisle, your child has their normal tantrum.
You remind your child that you won’t be candy today.
The tantrum gets bigger – a lot bigger. (This is the extinction burst)
This is the crucial moment. If you give in during the extinction burst, you reinforce the burst itself and teach your child that all they have to do is have a bigger tantrum, and you will eventually give in.
In other words, it’s better not to set the limit in the first place than to give in after setting the limit because the tantrum is too big to bear. However, unless you want to be buying candy on every grocery trip for the rest of time (and paying the associated dental bills), you’ll have to ride out that extinction burst eventually.
TLDR; Parents reinforce tantrums by giving into them. Kids reinforce parents giving in by ending the tantrum. To stop this pattern, parents need to stop giving in to tantrums. But, this is way easier said than done. Talk to your parent coach/family therapist if you’re interested in understanding how to get out of the pattern of reinforcing dysregulation.